I'll be there when you need me (Dean, Castiel)

[cashay]

Title: I'll be there when you need me
Author: cashay
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Castiel | Dean/Castiel preslash if you want to read it that way
Spoilers: up until the end of season 5
Warnings: angst
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Summary: Dean left Lisa and now he has to face his first Christmas with Sam gone.
Word Count: ~1775
A/N: Belated Christmas present for fate_incomplete . I hope you like it, even though it turned out different than your prompt =)
A/N2: Somehow a video by Loki inspired me xD We Carry No Arms - go watch it ;)
Unbetaed =)


It was a silent night actually. With snow and everything just like it came out of a fucking picture book or something. For some reason that made Dean even angrier. He didn't even know why he had angry in the first place.

Well actually he did but he wouldn't be a Winchester if he couldn't lie to himself right? Just like he had lied to Lisa, lied to Ben. And maybe that was part of the reason he was angry. Angry at himself. Angry at Heaven. Angry at the whole fucking world.

Angry because he had destroyed the only good thing he was ever going to get. Because he hadn't been able to stay with Lisa. He wasn't made for this normal, apple pie life! He just... He missed his brother. He missed Castiel. He missed... He missed a lot of people. To many people for him to count or to really think about because he wasn't as strong as everyone thought he was.

And with Sammy the last good thing in his life had vanished. No matter how bad things had gotten, no matter how much they had fought, in the end they would always have each others back. They knew it, both of them, there was no changing - denying - that. But now... Sam was gone and no matter how hard Dean had searched he had found no way to bring him back, no matter how hard he tried. He was alone. Again.

Dean knew he was a miserable bastard and maybe, just maybe he would have been able to be happy with Lisa but he... couldn't. Because he was afraid. Afraid because he had lost everything that had been close to him before. The only people he still had were Bobby, Lisa and Ben. And he couldn't go to any of them for the same reason. He was afraid. Afraid of loosing any of them. Because he just knew he couldn't take it. He couldn't take loosing someone he loved again. Not after his Mom, his Dad. After Jo and Ellen, after Sam. After Cas.

He knew the angel was still there. But he never came back to visit. Never said a word. And so Dean figured that now Castiel had his power back and the apocalypse was gone, there was no need to hang out with lousy humans. He had even gotten over himself, swallowed his pride and prayed to him. Asked him to come down here and just... just be there. But there had been nothing. No answer nothing. Because this little bastard really didn't care, did he?

~*~

This white, silent Christmas would just have been what Sam liked. He always was a sucker for a white Christmas and had enjoyed the holiday far to much for Dean not to mock him about it. But now he was sitting here, planning to get drunk on eggnog so he wouldn't give in and finally put a bullet through his head. The only reason he hadn't yet was he was far to damn stubborn to just die. No matter how much it hurt.

At least he still had the alcohol to keep him company. "Merry Christmas Sammy.", he whispered before drowning the glass and grabbing for the already half empty bottle.

But before he could put more into the glass he heard the far to common sound of an angel appearing. Normally he would have been on his feet in an instant, gun ready and up for a fight. But right now he didn't care, was far to drunk for that. This wasn't his first bottle after all.

Yeah he had been to stubborn to die in the past and killing himself well... it wasn't really something he had seen himself doing but now... He probably would welcome it if the angels would finally finish him of.

But instead of a seriously pissed of Raphael or some other stupid, apocalypse-fan angel, there was the soft and gruff voice of the man he had longed so much to see again it had freaked him out.

"Dean.", Castiel welcomed him in his typical strange manner.

A small smile spread on Deans face but he still couldn't really bring himself to look up at him. Now that Castiel was actually here he felt foolish for praying. For letting out so much as he practically pleaded for the guy to get his feathery ass down here. He wasn't into caring and sharing like Sam had been. He would sort out things himself, without involving other people. And mostly through ignoring them, because really dealing with them was just to hard. Well, not that he let himself think that. There was just nothing to deal with. He was fine, always had been. Always would be. He was the indestructible Dean Winchester, right? Right?

And now that Castiel was here he actually wished he was gone. Because it was so much easier to just drink himself near coma than to talk to one of the persons he had missed so much. The only one of them he had a realistic chance of seeing again.

"Cas.", he mumbled gruffly, not looking up, not turning around, figuring that the angel would get lost if he just... ignored him.

But no such luck - or maybe it was luck. Deans strength wasn't enough for anything but getting the next bit of eggnog into the glass... or maybe he should start to drink right out of the bottle, would save him the trouble.

Well no chance for that now because Castiel was suddenly in front of Dean and took the bottle from his not so strong fingers, depositing it on the sink which was definitely out of reach for Dean right now. "Oh come on...", he cursed. "Just give me the bottle back Cas okay?"

But the angel shook his head firmly, crouching down in front of the armchair and looking up at him worried and confused. "No Dean. You have drunken enough."

Dean just laughed raspy shaking his head and regretting it the next moment. "I'm no where near 'drunken enough', so give me the bottle back or I swear I'll kick your holy ass!"

Castiel actually looked offended by that but shook his head firmly. "You are in no condition to kick anyones... ass Dean."

"Oh I'm gonna show you bastard how much ass I can still kick.", Dean hissed, not sure what exactly had made him finally loose it. Maybe, it was that Castiel had suddenly shown his ass. Or it was the alcohol - or the lack of it. Or it was this damn Christmas. He did not know and he did not fucking care. For the first time since Sam went into the cage he really felt something else than the crushing desperation.

He stumbled to his feat, trying to punch Cas who had risen as well, but being drunk all the time and eating practically nothing didn't do your fighting skills much good. So it was really easy for Castiel to catch his wrist and and as he swung his other fist it was just as easy to hold that one as well. And just as Dean was about to kick and bite and try every nasty trick he ever learned Castiel pulled him into a hug.

Dean really had forgotten how good it felt to have someone hug you close. Later he would blame it on the alcohol that he faltered, that he just gave in, clung to Castiel like he hadn't clung to anyone ever before. His head was buried in his chest, as the tears he had held back for so long started falling. There was a soothing hand that rubbed circles on his back while the other arm just held Dean as firmly as Dean himself held on to Castiel. It was the kind of relieve he had denied himself for to long. Because even Dean Winchester wasn't indestructible. Even Dean Winchester couldn't just always move on. And he had reached the point where he just couldn't anymore. Couldn't do anything but breath, clutch on to bare life.

"I miss him. I miss them so much Cas." He felt a small nod where the angels chin lay on the top of his head. "I know."

That was all that was said for the evening. No more words broke the silence of the motel room. No more were needed. Because Cas had understood. He had understood exactly what Dean needed, what he had asked so desperately while telling himself, that no one was hearing it anyway, so he was not telling it to anyone. Because Dean Winchester was to damn proud to ask for help when it came to himself. Maybe he was to stubborn to actually kill himself. But he was also to stubborn to life.

Dean didn't know how long they had stood just like that, his head buried on the angels chest, the strong arms wrapped around him, giving him comfort and a sense of safety, of home. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours they stood like that, Dean didn't know. Eventually Cas started to push him towards the bed, making him lay down on it.

Still Dean held on to the angel, not letting go for one second. There was a small sigh and then Castiel lay down next to him, once more wrapping his arms around the hunter. Again Dean would claim it was the alcohol that had made him snuggle into Castiel, welcoming the comfort he offered. But the truth was probably, that this was exactly what he needed to make it to another Christmas. This little bit of comfort that made him feel not quite that alone. Not quite that desperate. That took away the worst of it and made it bearable. And for the first time since Sammy had gone to the cage, Dean was not afraid to wake up again.

~*~

When Dean awoke the next morning - surprisingly without a hangover - Castiel was long gone. But next to him on the bed lay a small note and a necklace on top of it. There were two amulets on that necklace, one Dean recognized fairly well it was the one Sam had given him while they still had been children and which he had thrown away what seemed to be a lifetime ago. The other one... he had never seen before. But he was fairly sure it was Enochian. For one moment he looked at it, irritated, than he took the note, reading it warily.

"I'll be there when you need me."