in the name of the Father (5/5); Lucifer/Gabriel

[cashay]

chapter five
in the name of the Father

The Cage was nothing like Gabriel had thought it would be. There was no fire, no pain, no torture. Nothing. And that was the whole point. The Cage was nothingness.

No sound could be heard, nothing could be felt. It would have been impossible to grasp for a human and even for an Archangel the emptiness was overwhelming. It nearly drove him mad the second he arrived just because he suddenly couldn't feel anything anymore.

Pain would have been better, pain would have been safer. At least it would have been something he could set his mind on. But this everlasting emptiness was just nothing. It wasn't dark and it wasn't bright. It was neither warm nor cold. It was just nothing. Nothing.

Gabriel was alone in something even his mind couldn't process. Alone with his thoughts. With the hopes and fears he had had. The decisions he had made. He was alone, utterly alone in never ending nothingness.

It was worse than being separated from the Host. It was worse than getting betrayed by Lucifer. It was worse than hell or heaven could ever be. This was the fate that his Father had decided for Lucifer? Being lost in the emptiness forever? Never being able to touch, to breath, to feel?

He wanted to scream, to ask his father why he had damned one of his children to such a terrible live. But his voice wasn't heard in the nothingness of the Cage. Not that their Father would have listened even if Gabriel hadn't been condemned to be silent, probably for all eternity.

~*~

Gabriel wasn't sure how long he had been in the Cage. It was impossible to estimate the time when you were trapped in a place where there was nothing. The nothingness tore at his sanity more than Gabriel had thought it would be possible.

It wasn't exactly the fact that there was no sound or nothing to see. It was more that he couldn't feel. Angels were beings that were always connected. Even when the bond to the Host had been broken Gabriel had still been connected. To the Earth, every living soul that prayed to him or believed in him. Gabriel had always been part of something bigger.

But down here he was alone, utterly alone. He had thought he could never been more deserted than when he had left heaven and Lucifer behind. Well, he had been wrong. This was a thousand times worse.

~*~

Gabriel wasn't sure when his grip on sanity got looser and all he could do was escape into memories. Not that he had that many happy ones but everything was better than the nothingness around him.

Not that he could get away from it completely. No matter how much he tried to create something with his once again free Grace all he could do was remember. And with every time he got lost in the images of a life long gone – before the fall, before God had even thought of humans – it got harder to remember. He forgot how Lucifer smelled. Forgot how Heaven looked. Everything faded in the emptiness until he couldn't even remember anymore.

~*~

How long ago he had stopped remembering Gabriel wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. It could have been days or years he already was in the Cage. It didn't matter. Because down here in the emptiness nothing mattered.

He was starving, was starving for any kind of contact, any kind of feeling. It wouldn't matter to him if it was pain or pleasure. He wouldn't care as long as he would feel something again. Anything, just anything. But there was nothing. It would never change.

Gabriel was alone with his thoughts, alone with all the things he had buried so deep he had made himself forget. How much he had missed Lucifer and his Heaven. How angry he had been at his Father. How much he had hated humans before he had gotten to know them. How much he still hated them sometimes.

He was left with pain and sorrow for things he couldn't remember anymore. The only thing he never forgot was that this was his Father's doing, that this Cage had been made for one of his brothers. Lucifer had fallen because he had loved and the punishment for love was emptiness?

He would have described his Father as many thing, but never as cruel; but after being in the Cage for so long he actually forgot how it felt to be connected to anything or just touch something cruel was the only word that came to his mind when his thoughts found their way back to his Father.

~*~

Gabriel wanted to scream, to tear something apart. He wanted to hurt and to destroy. He screamed and screamed but no sound left his mouth. He clawed at his skin but no matter how much he tried he couldn't feel anything. He couldn't feel his hands, he couldn't feel his skin. He couldn't feel how he tore himself apart if he even did anything.

He wanted to make Lucifer suffer but at the same time he wanted to hold him close and tell him that everything would be alright, that he would never stop to feel again.

He wanted his thoughts to stop. Just stop. Every thought had already crossed his mind over and over again. They were maddening, driving him insane. Telling him how he had failed and what he had done wrong even if Gabriel couldn't remember.

Gabriel wanted. He just wanted. Something, anything. Just not the emptiness anymore. He wanted peace, he wanted revenge. He wanted... wanted...

~*~

Suddenly there was... something. Gabriel wasn't sure what it was but it was overwhelming. He could breath. He could see. He could hear. He could feel. He strode towards the hole in the Cage and suddenly he was free again.

His Grace sang with joy as he took in everything. It was overwhelming, so overwhelming but it was good. Sweeter than Gabriel had ever thought simply feeling could be. But soon the sweetness turned into pain as all those feelings became truly overpowering. He had been deprived of everything for too long and now there was too much. Just too much.

~*~

Afterwards he didn't know how he had managed to force his Grace back into his vessel and close himself off from the overwhelming sensation that threatened to kill him as much as the lack of them had done.

When he could think clearly once more he found himself in Lucifer's arms. The other angel held him close while he talked to him in a soothing voice, hands rubbing circles on his back. Gabriel pressed his face into the crook between neck and shoulder, inhaling Lucifer's scent, memorizing it so he would never forget it again.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Lucifer told him, over and over again while Gabriel pressed close to him, shivering. He tried to shut himself off from the feelings around him, only to crave them again. But they were so strong and he hadn't felt anything in what was forever to him.

Suddenly he had to know. He had to know how long he had been in the Cage. It had felt like it had been forever but he had no idea how long it had been on Earth. His eyes focused on Lucifer as he drew back slightly so he could look at him. “How long?” he asked voice raw with emotions he couldn't even identify.

Lucifer was silent for a moment, eyes never once leaving Gabriel's. “Ten years.” He sounded bitter and sorry but Gabriel couldn't bring himself to feel angry at him. Shock was all that was on his mind at this moment.

Ten years. It had only been ten years Gabriel had been in the Cage. Ten years in the emptiness and he had already begun to go crazy. Ten years had been enough to make him a wreck, unable to really feel because it somehow was too overwhelming. Lucifer had been in the Cage for millennia.

Gabriel's Grace surged up inside him, filled with anger, betrayal and hate. He cried out at his Father, demanded answers for the injustice he had done to Lucifer. No one deserved to be alone for eternity. How could his father do that to one of his children? How could he destroy someone so much? Cruel. Cruel. Even now, feeling all of his Father's creation the only word Gabriel could think of was cruel.

He felt Lucifer's surprise as Gabriel's Grace curled around him, trying to pull him into a protective cocoon. He didn't feel hate or anger towards Lucifer just sorrow, endless sorrow. No one deserved that. Not for loving, not for hating.

He pressed his cheek against Lucifer's as he held him as close as he could. He needed to be close, needed to feel without feeling too much. “I'm sorry my love,” he whispered into his ear, softly kissing his cheek before he pressed his face back against it. “I will never leave you again. We will never be alone again.”

Lucifer's hold on him tightened as their Graces swirled around each other. They were becoming one again, both of them hoping that maybe together they could get through the pain. Gabriel didn't know if they could manage. He didn't know if they were able to let someone this close again as oversensitive to every feeling as they were now.

But he didn't care. He didn't care what would happen in a thousand years, didn't even care what would happen in the next hour. All he cared for was that he wanted to feel again, wanted to love again. He wanted to be close.

He understood now. He understood Lucifer's need to destroy and kill because he could feel it too. A dark anger dwelling under his skin, tainting his Grace. Only that he didn't care. He couldn't care because it would be too much.

All he could do was hold on to Lucifer and hope that somehow this would work. That some day they could feel again without falling apart. That somehow two broken angels could make each other whole again.

~The End~