![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
to make them die or life in sorrow 3/3
“That's why I'm asking you, Father. One last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me...A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don't...I'm gonna ju-- I'm gonna do whatever I... Whatever I must.“
Castiel sounded so broken, so alone that Crowley couldn't stop himself from stepping out of the shadows he had been hiding in. He had just wanted to watch, make sure Castiel wouldn't do anything stupid like betray him.
But instead he had found this, a broken angel, a broken child pleading to his Father for help, for guidance. It reminded him of so many things he just wanted to forget he couldn't keep hidden. Castiel didn't deserve to bleed like he had.
“He isn't going to answer you.”
Castiel turned around abruptly, staring at him with surprise for a moment before he was on his feet taking an aggressive stance.
“How would you know, Demon?” he snarled coldly while stalking towards Crowley.
The Fallen didn't take a step backwards, didn't even twitch. But he gave up the behavior he had displayed as Crowley, abandoning the smug posture, for a rigid and imposing stance.
“I know. Believe me, Castiel, I know. God will never answer you, He doesn't give a shit about His children.”
Before he had really finished the sentence he had Castiel at his throat, teeth bared and wings raised in a threatening fashion. As a Demon he wouldn't have been able to see those impressive dark blue wings but he had given up his mask without really thinking about it. They looked magnificent against the untouched, white snow.
Slowly he reached forward, tracing with his hands over the soft wings. A shudder went through him, he was taken aback by how much he had missed that. This was the first time in millennia that he touched the wings of another Angel.
Castiel gasped, shoving him backwards and snarling at him, he was unsettled by Crowley's actions and so was he himself. He shouldn't have let his guard slip like that, but now it was to late. Soon Castiel would realize that he couldn't be a Demon because Demons couldn't see the wings of an Angel never mind touch them.
“Trust me, Brother. Our Father left us a long, long time ago.”
Slowly he relaxed the grip he had on his wings and Grace for such a long time, letting them slip free. It felt so good to show who he really was for a change. A soft sigh escaped his lips as his wings spread out behind him.
They were dark like the depth of space, the red fires of Hell sometimes flaring up at the tips. And if you looked closely enough, you could catch a glimpse of gold, like a memory of times that were long gone.
Hesitant his wings curled forwards just as his Grace reached out towards Castiel. In the back of his mind he knew that this was vulnerable, that he shouldn't do it. Should have never shown Castiel who he really was. But even he still missed the warmth of home.
Just as hesitant Castiel curved his own wings forward until their tips were barely brushing against each other. Still, it sent a jolt of joy through Crowley and he couldn't stop his Grace from pressing against Castiel's.
But the Angel shied back from the tainted touch, pushing Crowley's Grace away. The Fallen curled into himself, his wings protectively wound around his body as his Grace pulled back into hiding. He had been foolish, why would someone like Castiel touch something like him?
“God won't answer you Castiel. He has never answered me. He left me alone between our dying brothers and sisters. He left us to burn and never once looked back.”
His voice was bitter with hurt and disappointment. Even after all that time, he still hurt because Father had left them, because Lucifer had left him. Because everything that he had believed in, everyone he loved and the one place he had called home, had turned away from him and left him to die.
But he hadn't died, he had scrambled on, but the betrayal and the loneliness were still eating him inside. Even his revenge couldn't fill the hole that left his Grace slowly bleeding to death.
“Who are you?” Castiel demanded, but his voice had gone soft and the Fallen was sure that he understood, that he could feel it too, the loneliness that no angel was made for.
“I'm called Crowley now. Once I was Adnarel, the Angel of Strategy but I haven't been Adnarel for a very long time.”
Castiel was dumbstruck, his Grace flared up and this time it's him reaching out for Crowley. Softly he brushed against him, testing the twisted darkness, searching for something that isn't there anymore and never will be.
“You survived,” he said, wonder plain in his Grace and his voice as he stroked along the Fallen's wing with his own.
“Yes,” the Fallen nodded, softly pressing back against a caress that had him shuddering and aching for more within seconds. He hadn't felt anyone touching him for so long that even these small exploring caresses felt like Heaven.
He knew he should pull back now, he shouldn't let himself be so vulnerable and feel so much. It was a sign of weakness and he had never been weak in his whole life! Not since Lucifer, not since he had fallen so deep he had become part of the darkness.
“Why won't he answer us? Why has he left?”
So much pain, so much pain for an Angel that only ever tried to do the right thing. Castiel reminds the Fallen so much of himself it hurt. Slowly he reached out and encircled Castiel in his wings, wound his Grace around him in a soothing gesture he hadn't shared with anyone since... long, long ago.
“I don't know, Young One. I don't know.”
Adnarel had expected things to be like they had been before the next time he and Castiel met. He had prepared to be Crowley again and forget the moment of intimacy ever happened. But instead, when they meet the next time Castiel's Grace pushed against him in a warm welcome Adnarel hadn't felt since he had fallen. Even if he wanted he couldn't have held back his Grace that was all too eager to press against Castiel's and wind around it.
With a familiar sigh he let his wings slip free too, safe in the knowledge that everyone who would see them would go blind anyway. Immediately Castiel's wings pressed against his so that they were both held in an embrace of their true forms.
It felt so good to have Castiel close like this. They found solace in each other when none of them had hoped they could find it ever again.
Bot of them had believed in their Father, only to be dropped like old toys an angry child hadn't deemed good enough anymore when they needed him. Both of them had loved someone and had trusted just to have their heart broken and their trust betrayed. Both of them were lonely, no one to turn to anymore.
They wouldn't actually talk business when they met like this in private, just standing closely together, their Grace mixing and their Wings holding each other close. Whatever he was doing, whether he was questioning some poor fucker or just torturing him for fun Crowley dropped everything when he felt Castiel come to him.
The first time Castiel brought him pie and actually wanted to talk to him about something different than business Crowley didn't think too much about it. He was still too happy feeling Castiel's wings wrap around him with the same careful concentration the Angel of Thursday put into everything.
It was strange, sure, since normally when they met they would only let their Grace's soothe the ache of standing alone against the world or if there was a pressing issue they would talk business, but Crowley didn't think too much about it. Indulging in the pie - if humans could do anything it was cook, make stupid-awesome TV Shows and have wars - while he listened to Castiel talk about Dean Winchester and how he had first tasted a pie with the other man around.
The sudden sense of jealousy probably was the reason he reached out to touch Castiel with his vessel for the first time. Beforehand it had always been their true forms touching and even though that had been way more intimate this kind of touching for some reason felt more personal. He softly stroked across Castiel's cheek and before he could say anything he had a lapful of scared and hurt Angel.
It really wasn't the worst situation he ever ended up in but it was still under the top ten. He really had no idea how to comfort someone like this; he was a Fallen he didn't hug and comfort. Only he did. Rather awkwardly he put his arms around Castiel and softly patted his back while he watched him cry and scream in grief and betrayal.
Getting attached was really a stupid idea, especially with Castiel feeling so strongly for Dean. He would betray Crowley in a heartbeat if Dean had a solution for his problem and offered him forgiveness. Castiel was so weak it made Adnarel angry.
It was always Castiel who came to Crowley but after some time Castiel wasn't the only one bringing presents. Because that was what Castiel was doing. Bringing him little presents like food or a new suit. It was like he was desperately trying to win Crowley's affection now that even the humans he had considered family had deserted him.
At first it had felt weird and Adnarel hadn't touched any of the presents because as much as he liked Castiel - and he did - courting the other Angel was the last thing on his mind. Well that was until one time Castiel's Grace hadn't been warm and welcoming but instead boiling in anger.
He had pushed Crowley, demanding to know why he was turning down what was offered. He was imposing and angry and not the least bit weak and Adnarel couldn't deny he fell in love with the angry, divine creature that demanded his love and his loyalty.
The next time Castiel came to him Crowley was ready, offering a new tie to him because Castiel really needed to change clothing every now and then. Castiel – who had stormed into the room like an Angel of Wrath – had been pleased. Gracefully taking the tie from Adnarel's hands.
It was so easy to fall into a pattern with Castiel. They would meet and talk about business if they had to before loosing themselves in the feel of each other's Graces and Wings. Sometimes they were physically holding each other close, sometimes they were standing a few feet away from each other.
But after some time it wasn't enough for Crowley anymore. Hell, he was a Demon, he had learned all there was to know about the pleasures of sex! And sex with Castiel would surely be phenomenal, there were so many things he wanted to do to those wonderful Wings.
But Castiel was innocent when it came to anything involving sex, he had told Crowley about Dean's failed attempt to make him lose his virginity on one of the long evenings he had mourned the loss of his family. Not that Crowley minded being the one to introduce Castiel to the pleasures of the flesh, it only made it sweeter.
The first time he kissed Castiel, Crowley didn't think about getting him in bed at all. Castiel had come in looking exhausted and distraught, the facade he wore for everyone but Adnarel, slipping only slowly. Adnarel had kissed him then because he had wanted a smile to appear on the other Angel's face. It worked, even though Castiel had looked shocked at first, the smile didn't take long to follow.
Though if anyone ever said anything about Crowley, King of Hell, believing in kissing things better he would die a slow and painful death.
It was weird and Crowley was worried. He told himself more often than not that he just wanted to get Castiel in bed with him but he knew that it wasn't true. What happened between them was far more than him trying to seduce Castiel.
This was proper courting. Castiel made him presents and Crowley gave things back. They moved on from meaningless things like clothing or food to presents they both knew would mean a lot to the other Angel.
In Heaven courting had been a bit different. It hadn't been presents like this; instead the courting Angel had collected pieces from all over Heaven. A piece from all of their Father's creation. The Angel he had given it to, had searched for the matching pieces if he wanted it too.
Adnarel still remembered the joy he felt when Lucifer had given him the first courting gift. It had been wind from the space between Heaven and Earth.
He didn't care that what he and Castiel did was so much different. It made it easier to pretend that they were just exchanging meaningless human gifts and deny a bit longer that he had once again fallen in the trap humans called love.
He didn't know how it happened. Certainly not like in so many of those stupid movies where two people met and realized that they loved each other forever. No, it had happened gradually like a fire that grew over time. With each time Castiel reminded him of himself, the need to protect him had grown. With every time their wings had touched, their Graces had been bonding a bit more. With every time they wrapped around each other, offering comfort and healing, Castiel had become less and less an ally who was a possible enemy and more and more family who was a possible mate.
It was stupid and would never work out. Adnarel had loved once and look what good it had done him; it had left him broken and utterly alone. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to make the same mistake a second time. He had sworn himself not be so stupid ever again.
Love, no matter how good it felt in the beginning, was never going to end well. Adnarel wouldn't be left heartbroken and alone again, no one would do that to him a second time. Still, here he was, in love with an Angel who would probably end up betraying him to get back into the Winchester's good grace. He was only the consolation prize after all, the person he had turned to when the Winchesters had let him down.
Even though Crowley knew that, knew how stupid it all was, knew that he would end up broken and in pain once again he couldn't refuse to take Castiel's gifts. And he couldn't stop returning them, actually trying to impress Castiel, and happy as he swore he would never be for someone else's joy when he could make Crowley smile.
Still there was his revenge and he wasn't going to stop it for all the love in the world. That was him getting back to all of them. They deserved it; they deserved to suffer like he had suffered. Endless pain was nearly too good for them.
Except for Castiel, he didn't want to hurt or loose the other Angel even though he knew that once Castiel realized his plan, he would be disgusted by Crowley once more. Castiel was so innocent still, despite all he had seen; he would never understand why Crowley had to do this, why Crowley had to get his revenge.
And Castiel didn't truly love him; he was in love with the idea of another Angel who was as lost as he was. He loved not having to be alone. Crowley was sure that Castiel only saw Adnarel, the Angel that was long gone, and not Crowley.
Those thoughts hurt because despite all his promises and vows, the Fallen had really started to love Castiel, this beautiful, terrifying Angel.
When it came to the last part of the courting the Fallen knew he had to stop it. This wasn't something he could do. His Father knew he wanted to bind himself to Castiel, he hadn't wanted something so much in a very long time, but he couldn't.
He had to end his revenge, he had to go through with it and he couldn't, not when Castiel was looking at him with those trusting eyes. How could he tear down Heaven with Castiel by his side? Castiel, who loved his brothers and sisters despite the war he was fighting with so many of them, Castiel, who would never go with it.
And he couldn't let himself get bonded again just to see his mate look at him with the same pain and betrayal in his eyes that he once felt when he was looking at Lucifer. He might be one of the darkest creatures that walked the earth but he didn't want to break someone like Lucifer had broken him. Especially not his precious, beloved Castiel, who deserved so much better.
So when Castiel handed him the final mating gift, a part of his Grace the Fallen refused. He didn't take it and didn't offer a piece of himself to Castiel, instead he taunted him and pushed him away, pulled his angelic side back in the Cage it had only recently fled.
It was for the better, for both of them but that didn't change the way his heart clenched and his Grace screamed when Castiel pulled his Grace back, carelessly mending the two pieces together while he was still looking at the Fallen.
He had wanted to protect Castiel from the darkness Adnarel had become, had wanted to spare him the hurt and the sorrow but he had failed. Maybe Lucifer hadn't wanted it either, maybe he had pushed Adnarel away to protect him from what he had become. Maybe, the Fallen had become the very being he had always despised.
In Castiel's eyes were heartbreak and betrayal.
They made it though, they found a way to break into Purgatory together and the Fallen wouldn't give it up, no matter how sad and longing Castiel's gazes were. This wasall he had ever lived for, his revenge. He could already taste it sweet on his tongue.
So when Castiel came to him right after he had finished the mixture he tried not to look him in the eyes, instead concentrating on his revenge, which was so incredibly close. He had nearly done it, now the only thing he needed was to wait until it was time to say the words. Then, then finally the wrong that was done to him would be revenged; finally he would be free.
He didn't really pay attention to the conversation they were having, his mind too engrossed in the knowledge that finally, finally he would have what he had planned and fought for since the beginning of time.
“I'm renegotiating our terms.”
That sentence got through, making the Fallen turn around sharply, his eyes focused on Castiel who looks as indifferent and cold as when they first met. It hurt but now was not the time to listen to his emotions.
“Is that so? What terms do you propose?“ The Fallen asked carefully.
This was going bad, this wasn't how he had planned it, nothing with Castiel had gone as planned, not since Adnarel had given into the stupid temptation and fallen for the Angel. Not like he had fallen for Lucifer, but fallen nonetheless.
“You get nothing. Not one single soul.”
Castiel said it so matter-of-factly Crowley couldn't bite back a loud growl. This was his revenge no one would take it from him, no one not even Castiel, God's new favorite golden boy!
“I think I have to decline the renegotiation,” he growled lowly, grip on his Grace slipping slowly.
But Castiel wasnt impressed, instead he stepped forward slowly until he was well into Crowley's personal space by the time he stopped, towering over Crowley. He looked down on him with so much hate and anger that for a short moment he felt genuinely sorry for what he did to him. But then he reminded himself of the revenge he had to carry out, of the things that had to be set right.
“You do not get a say in this, Crowley,” Castiel snarled, his wings raised high above his head in a scene of angry, angelic display.
At those words the Fallen let his Grace slip free again, but this time it wasn't to embrace and sooth, but to destroy. His giant black wings spread free behind him raised just as high as Castiel's. He snarled, baring his teeth like the Demons did so often in a warning.
“You forget something Angel,” he snarled. “I'm not Crowley. Once I was Adnarel, a weak Angel just like you, little one. I'm the Fallen, I am neither Angel nor Demon. You do not break deals with me.”
But Castiel wasn't that easily frightened. The Fallen would have been surprised if he were. After all he has faced down the Devil and even the Fallen was still afraid of Lucifer. He might be stronger, strong enough to take out every normal Angel but an Archangel was still out of his league. That's what he needed the souls for, to be strong enough to burst Heaven's gates open and kill the last of the Archangels and leave Heaven in chaos, without anyone to follow, without any purpose.
They would bleed and burn and not even Castiel would stop him.
He stepped forward, ready for a fight; ready to tear this being he actually started to love to pieces. He wouldn't stop; nothing would stop him from getting his revenge. Once Raphael was dead everything would stop, it would all be over and he would make amends to Castiel. But right now he wouldn't stop. Couldn't.
Still Castiel didn't back down and the Fallen surged forward in a frontal attack, pushing with all his strength against Castiel. The Angel fought back and he did it good, he had learned a thing or two from the Winchesters. But in the end he was no match for the Fallen, who threw Castiel into a wall, strong enough to let him press into the stone.
In the blink of an eye he was right in front of Castiel, hand raised to strike him down, his Grace in display, full of wrath and oh so frightening. But when he looked in Castiel eyes, ready to wipe out the younger Angel out of anger and hatred, he saw himself.
Himself how he had been when Lucifer had pushed him away, frightened and alone and a heart broken into pieces. There was so much betrayed trust in those eyes, so much loneliness. This was him; so long ago this was him. When Lucifer turned against him and all he had fought for, all he had loved had been lost.
When he saw him like this, so vulnerable and frightened, the Fallen couldn't. He had become what he had always cursed, someone like Lucifer who would use the ones he loved and push them away once he had no use of them anymore or they weren't convenient to his plan. He couldn't kill Castiel, it wouldn't be right; it would make him Lucifer.
So instead of striking Castiel down, the Fallen took the least tainted piece of his Grace and ripped it out, offering himself to the first thing he had loved since he had been broken. And reluctantly Castiel reached out with his Grace, offering a piece of it to the Fallen in exchange. And when the Fallen took it, made it part of his Grace just like Castiel was doing it with his piece his whole being sang with a joy he had forgotten existed.
He gathered Castiel up, held him secure in the embrace of his Wings and praised him, begged him for forgiveness and whispered sweet promises of love in his ear. Never before had he felt such completeness, not since he had stopped being an Angel. It was so overwhelming after a life of blood and pain and Hell, the Fallen was shaking with the love that pulsed through the bond he shared with Castiel. There was forgiveness and the promise of forever, of never letting go again.
Soon it was Castiel who held the Fallen safely in his strong arms and his Grace, murmuring soft, soothing words into his soul. And if the Fallen was weeping, weeping for all that he has lost and all that he had done there is no one there to witness this first moment of weakness but his mate. And while he held him close, his mate swore to the Fallen that he will never be hurt again. And if the Fallen believed him, there was no one there to tell him it was foolish to trust again and even if there were, the Fallen wouldn't have listened.
But they still needed to open Purgatory because there was still an Archangel out there. And even though the Fallen wasn't so sure anymore if he wanted to put Heaven into chaos he needed to kill Raphael because Raphael was a threat to his mate and no one hurts what's his. He wasn't sure if Castiel was flattered or worried by his overprotective behavior but he guessed it's a mix of both.
It nearly ended in a fight again but in the end the Fallen convinced Castiel that he would take in the souls and kill Raphael. He wouldn't let Castiel be in such danger, no matter what happened to him, Castiel had to stay safe. He had never said so but both of them knew that it was dangerous to take in the souls. They were raw energy and there were billions of them in Purgatory, the chance was high that they would overwhelm whoever took them all in. But the Fallen wasn't going to let that stop him. Death had never frightened him and it wouldn't stop him now, even though, for the first time he had something else than revenge that is worth living for.
When the night of the lunar eclipse came, they were ready. They had spend the day waiting, securing the building as good as they could without locking themselves in. The Fallen didn't want Castiel trapped in here should the souls rip him apart.
Both of them knew it was very likely that the Winchesters would try and stop them but as much as the Fallen begged Castiel to at least trap them somewhere, his mate didn't give an inch. And the Fallen understood, even though he hated it, he understood Castiel's need to protect his family even though they had rejected him.
But most of all they have spend the day close to each other, curled into the comfort of each other's Wings and Graces. It was safe and so full of love; the Fallen sometimes felt like he was suffocating. But Castiel always calmed him down even though the Fallen was pretty sure the Angel was as terrified of their bond as he was.
Both of them weren't used to such intimate bonds. While the Fallen had been without real connection to anyone far longer than Castiel, the younger Angel had cut himself off from Heaven long enough to feel uncomfortable feeling connected to someone else again.
But even though the Fallen still freaked, he also was happy feeling someone else in his mind again, having someone who understood his every urge because he felt them, heard his thought in a way humans could never understand.
The time spend like this was precious and accompanied by the knowledge that by tomorrow either or both of them might be dead. But even if they died at least they didn't die alone.
So when the lunar eclipse came they were prepared. There was no more hesitation and nothing left to say, just a last kiss, a last soothing touch of Wings before they confronted whatever lay beyond the gates of Purgatory.
It was Castiel who brings the sigil onto the wall with cold precision, never once saying a word, never once turning towards the Fallen. When it's done Castiel stepped back to reveal the sigil, the still drying blood glinting slightly in the light of the cold luminescent tube.
When the Fallen stepped forward he let his Wings touch Castiel's one more time before he stood in front of the sigil, a page of paper in his hands. He was as ready as he would ever be now that he was mated again and the doubt was so strong within him. But there was no way he would stop now, not so close to his goal. Not so close to protecting his mate.
“Ianua Magna Purgatorii
Clausa Est Ob Nos
Lumine Eius Ab Oculis
Nostris Retento.”
His intonation was loud and without flaws, the words he had practiced so often roll skillfully from his tongue. Castiel was a reassuring presence in the back of his mind, urging him on, soothing his worries.
The Fallen wasn't worried by it anymore, he would never again be alone and that alone was enough to urge him on to speak the next verse, forcing the door to open a little bit more.
“Sed Nunc Stamus Ad Limen Huius
Ianuae Magnae Et Demisse
Fideliter Perhonorifice
Paramus Aperire Eam”
Suddenly there was a flutter of wings and the same moment he felt fear flare up in his bond with Castiel. He knew this was Raphael even before he heard her cold and calculating voice. He was thankful that he had hidden his Grace and Wings once more before he had started the incantation. This way they would at least have some surprise left.
“Well, well what do we have here? A Demon and an Angel working together to open Purgatory. Castiel, you really think I would let you open that door? Take in that much power? If anyone is going to be the new God, it's me.”
He could feel Castiel getting angry, his Grace was flaring up and while he displaied anger outside he also tried to reassure the Fallen that everything would be alright. They both knew it was a lie.
“Creaturae Terrificae Quarum Ungulae
Et Dentes Nunquam Tetigerunt”
The Fallen mumbled the words hastily still slow enough to make sure every word was pronounced right. There was no sense in hurrying up only to have to start over again. Raphael noticed though, no matter how quietly the Fallen spoke and it was clear he was going to try and stop him.
More reassurance was flowing through the bond and he was tempted to turn around because he just knew Castiel was going to do something stupid. But he needed to stay focused; if he slipped they were all going to die anyway.
“Carnem Humanam Aperit Fauces
Eius Ad Mundum Nostrum Nunc”
A fight broke out behind him, he could feel it in the way Castiel's Grace flared up as he threw everything he had at Raphael. Both of them knew it wouldn't be enough and it only took a moment for the determination to be replaced by pain.
“You should have knelt before me when you had the chance.”
The pain flared up, engulfed the Fallen who couldn't do anything but double over in pain and loss and loneliness. Then Castiel was gone. Wiped out as if he had never been there if it wasn't for the pain ripping at the Fallen's Grace where, for a short time, Castiel had been bound to him.
“And now, Crowley, you should really give up that futile attempt to get stronger than me.”
But the Fallen didn't listen to Raphael, the pain was too consuming, tearing at the very core of his being. His joy didn't last, he was alone again and it hurt, hurt just as much as it had hurt the first time. Maybe even more because Castiel didn't leave him, he had wanted to stay for him, had wanted to be together with him forever.
But Raphael had ripped them apart. He would burn for that, burn in fires that were far crueler than those of Hell. Without thinking about it he let his Grace slip free while he recited the last lines. It was burning with hate and grief and even though he staggered forward under Raphael's first blow he wouldn't die. Not until he had avenged Castiel's death, not until Raphael was ripped into pieces, begging for him to stop, but he never would. He would make sure Raphael's torture would last forever.
“Ianua Magna
Aperta Tandem!”
The gate to Purgatory burst open and before Raphael could stop him, he consumed them all, all the souls that tried to flee into their world got consumed by him and he felz himself growing stronger and stronger with every soul he took. He was dimly aware of Raphael's futile attempts to attack him but he was no longer strong enough to hurt him.
He went on and on until all of Purgatory was empty, all those souls inside him, burning and murmuring, talking to him as though they get a say in his revenge on Raphael.
Slowly the Fallen turned around, facing Raphael with flaming wrath. He could feel the power inside him surge up, and before the Archangel could do anything, she was pinned to the wall. The Fallen could feel her fear and he reveled in it, already lusting for her screams of pain.
“What are you?” she managed to croak.
The Fallen didn't answer at first, instead he stepped forward until he was only inches away stretching out a hand to sink into Raphael's wings, tearing at them until Raphael screamed, uselessly trying to get free.
“Oh, I was never Crowley the Demon,” he told her, as if they just met over a cup of tea and he wasn't continuing to rip her wings apart. “You knew me though. A long, long time ago. Can you remember me?”
Raphael's eyes were wide and terrified, she shook her head wildly and a scream came out of her mouth instead of any words as the Fallen ripped away one of her wings completely, discarding it carelessly.
“I was one of those you abandoned. Adnarel. You remember now?” And she looked as if she remembered even though there were still only screams leaving her mouth. Angels weren't used to experiencing pain because they didn't know pain of the body. But this wasn't pain of the body, the Fallen was slowly but surely tearing her Grace apart, he was killing her, bit by bit.
“Thought you would remember. Lucifer abandoned me but so did you. You thought I was dead, didn't you? Well, you were wrong, Sweetie. I survived and I have come back to tear you apart and make you bleed just like I bled. Only, I survived and you won't.”
He ripped out another piece of Grace and another, her screams are music to his ears as he destroyed and maimed everything with his hands. He could have just killed her with the blink of an eye but she didn't deserve a fast death.
“You shouldn't have laid a finger on Castiel. I might have killed you fast and painless, but you killed my mate; now you will die in agony.”
He was angry, oh so angry, the anger was burning him up inside and all he could do was tear more at Raphael. All in him was screaming to kill and to subdue. There was no one to match his strength. No one. And he was going to make sure all those who ever hurt him were in unspeakable pain for all eternity.
Without Castiel, there was no one it is worth leaving this world in one piece for. First Raphael; then the rest of Heaven and then Hell. All of them would burn and freeze; there would be nothing to save them from the rage that was threatening to burst out of the Fallen. No one to stop him.
He ripped and teared and maimed until there was nothing left of Raphael but a whimpering bundle of flesh and bones. It was then he ended her and only because the sound annoyed him now. He wanted to say goodbye to Castiel. He needed to give his mate a proper burial. One that was worthy of such an amazing creature.
When the Fallen crouched down and pulls Castiel in his arms he felt something, a soft tug at the very essence of his being. And even though he couldn't believe it, why not? He felt as powerful as God after all. Why shouldn't he be able to pull back his mate from the dead? Why should all he could ever bring be destruction and hate? Why couldn't he, for once, bring life instead of death?
So he followed the tug, poured all his powers into it and soon the tug became a pull that grew stronger and stronger with every minute. And the Fallen went with it; let the pull and the need inside him direct him.
Suddenly he was the one that was pulling and he felt it, pulling Castiel back from wherever Angels went when they died. He pulled and fought until suddenly he felt something burst right out of him and into the body in his arms. The force was strong and other souls tried to follow but the Fallen wouldn't let them. Maybe... just maybe...
And then Castiel opened his eyes and the connection is back, he felt him again, felt Castiel at the very core of his being. The love that surged through him took his breath away and he wasn't sure if it was his or Castiel's.
But he didn't care, how could he care when Castiel is back, alive and clutching him close, their Grace's connected once more like they were supposed to be. The joy was bigger than the rage could ever be, and Adnarel was incredibly grateful for that.
Letting the souls go back to where they belong was hard for the Fallen. He wanted to grip onto power, but there was no need now. Raphael was dead and Castiel was alive. He knew his mate wouldn't let him slaughter every being on earth and his revenge wasn't worth loosing him. The Fallen had realized that by now.
Still, opening up the gate to Purgatory and pushing all those souls out of him, back into where they belong was hard. But Castiel was there through the whole process, pressed up against his back, murmuring soothing words into his ear just like his Grace is pulsing in reassurance.
Once all the creatures were back inside, the gate closed and the Fallen collapsed. He felt weak all of a sudden. For a mere few hours he was stronger than every creature on earth and now he was just a mix of Demon and Angel again. Something that had no home.
But he had Castiel now and he clutched to the Angel as he shook with the loss of all those souls burning inside of him. Castiel held him gladly once more and in the warm cocoon of his Grace the Fallen was sure that no revenge, no power, in the whole universe was worth loosing this.
For the Fallen's taste, Castiel spend far too much time with other things. He had started to try and make amends with the Winchesters, who had thankfully not found them in time to cause any more problems. Neither the Fallen nor Castiel ever speak about what the Fallen had done to Raphael.
The Winchesters weren't sold on their relationship, especially after Castiel had more or less forced Crowley to tell the truth about who he was and what he had done all that time on earth. He couldn't even be angry with them for it.
If he heard someone manipulated him all the time to get revenge, he wouldn't be all that trusting either. But what really gets him angry – and only Cas stops him from showing them what exactly a pissed of fallen Angel would do – was the way they suddenly wanted to protect Castiel from him after they didn't give a damn what happened to him as it was inconvenient for them. He told them this in no uncertain terms and they at least had the decency to look ashamed.
What bugged the Fallen far more though than Castiel getting all cozy with the Winchesters, was that his Angel was in Heaven so often. Being with the Winchesters made him happy; the Fallen could feel that, even though it never showed on Castiel's face. But when he went back to Heaven the Fallen could feel him getting upset and sad but he couldn't reach him because he was still, and for all eternity banned, from Heaven.
When Castiel came back, the Fallen had to sooth him and cradle him in Wings and Grace to make up for all the damage the stupidity of those Angels had done to him. It really hurt to see his Angel hurt.
He often pleaded Castiel to leave Heaven alone. They didn't deserve him and they never would. And yes, most of the reason why he wanted Castiel to abandon Heaven was that he wanted him for himself. He hated to admit it, but a part of him was so starved for love and affection, and so afraid of loosing it; it physically hurt him to be apart from Castiel, despite the soothing touches he send through their linked Grace.
But they made it anyway and if that was the cost of being with Castiel for the rest of eternity, he would gladly pay it.
So, when one day Castiel told him he has sorted out Heaven and never needed to go back there again, the Fallen felt the kind of joy he had felt when they had mated. It was happy and careless and he suddenly feels like Adnarel again.
Castiel must have noticed the shift in him because he gathered him up in his arms and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. And even if this was the last day, Adnarel couldn't care less. He had Castiel and for the first time since the beginning of time, he could let go. He didn't need revenge or hate to keep him alive anymore. He didn't need to believe in himself because he had someone else to believe in. He could let go, and even though he could never forgive Lucifer, he could leave his past behind now. And for the first time since he had fallen with Lucifer, he wasn't a thing out of the shadows and nightmares.
He had been reborn. Out of the shadows and nightmares had come a being of love and trust.
He had let go of Crowley, the Demon who played everyone, and he had let go of the Fallen, a being who's only purpose had been revenge. He had let go of everything but Castiel.
Adnarel was free.